Saturday, July 9, 2011
the blueprint of me.............
Since I started writing these stories I always write about the funny side of my life . Yeah , there been stories of torrid sex with women , and giving you, the reader a small peek into my life , but with joy there is pain . There are turning points in life that can change us forever. Peeling away a part of our soul and leaving behind former ghost of ourselves. I walked down many paths in life , and befriend people from every walk of life . In still there was those who impact was so deep that it left an impression that can't be remove .
I was going to write a new story about the time I was cheated on , and few other interesting details. That was the plan for most of week. That was until less than 24 hour ago . I came home from a small get together with some new friend (to be it lightly ) , and check my facebook page. I had two new friend request . One was from someone I knew from high school, which isn't unusual for me I found a great deal of former high school friends through facebook (as well as a bunch of pornstars too! God bless them!). The second was from a person I didn't recognize for a brief second , then I went to the profile page . I remember that I had a small heart attack scare back in November, at moment I started to have the same pain both physically and mentally . She was the first great love in life and then in a flash my greatest heartbreak and failure in my love life . Yes I know I was young then (22) and was inexperience in my love life, but for the first time in my young life I had my first true taste of what it felt like to really love another human being that wasn't related by blood or because they made come hard from sex . It was deeper and more emotional that what I could ever compare to know nor feel .
It was in 1996 when my world crash into hers . I was hanging out and dancing at a party , on King street in Charleston at the old Treehouse club . My best friend at the time K.Hopp was djing at on that night. It was a small room downstairs in the lounge area. He was in rare form this night spinning some deep house music and Detroit style techo music . The room was very dark this night a few clubs lights barely keep it lit to see the other people dance within each other . There wasn't a bar so getting drunk was out of the question , but K.Hopp always keep some booze and weed on him so I was feeling good on this nite . I knew almost all the regulars in the downtown Charleston party scene, but there was two new faces in the crowd . The one person that a cute wavy hair woman wearing blue jean and a t shirt dancing in the corner with a sightly taller slim blonde women . So I made my way over to them and started dancing . Now for the record , the rave scene in the southeast was the kind of scene where sexuality was open and free , free from the egos that made the mainstream party scene sleazy and vile in my eyes , so I never had the idea that I would hook-up with someone in this scene let alone date someone who was embedded in it . It seem like this women and I would dance for a long time , but it wasn't that long it was just that K.Hopp was spinning a long fucking mix . When he crossed faded into the next song we stop and took a seat .
“wow you're a good dancer....”,she said.
“thanks , you're not too bad yourself”, I replied
we talked for what it seem like 45 minutes or maybe more. At the time she was the most intriguing women I have met at the time . She asked me question that I never had a random women asked me before . Things that made me think deeper about myself . It was a bit refreshing in way now that I look back at it , Because Charleston itself was a cesspool of mindless drones and the mindless sluts who loved them (sorry but it true why you think I moved out of that 3 times already!). As the hours got later ,she invited me back to her house for a post party relaxation. Her roommate manage to hook up with the guy promoted the party, so we pack ourselves into her roommate's 2 door Toyota and made our way over to their apartment , which as I shit you not right ,down the street from my place . It was a much nicer apartment then mine , we made our way to her room , we started to make out , things was starting to get hot and heavy , as I started to pull off her shirt , she stopped dead in my tracks and said ,
“er , I wasn't planning on something like this to happen , let me change. I'll be back in few “
she got off the bed and went to her dresser draw and grab a few items out of the draw and went to the bathroom. Here I am laying in her bed waiting on her to enter the room . It seem like hours even though it was only 20 minutes , she entered the room . Oh my god she walked out the room a cute hippie chick , only to return as a goddess of love . Wearing whole entire Victoria secret page 3 collection . She even had on the rode . I felt guilty because on this night I was free balling , so I figured I needed to make foreplay last a little longer than usual . Up to this point I had a great of sex with ladies , and it was good but for the first time in my life this actually felt great, I mean that I was just mindlessly fucking some just to come , I had passion , I had emotions and most of all I was happy . It was safe to say I was in love , yep that all it took one night of dancing , conversation, and passionate sex to bring me too my knees . I know a lot of my readers and friends never thought that it was possible for me to get pussy whipped, but in a way I did . I even went farther to show that I was whipped by show up at her house two days after that first encounter at 8 A.M. ( can someone say psycho stalker please !) , she was shock that I popped up by house her place without calling first or maybe the fact that it was 8A.M. On a Monday morning and she was in the middle of getting ready for work that day . I didn't completely blow my chances after that stunt . We started spending a lot of time together . I introduced her to my friends in the King street scene and she showed me a different views about life . It got deeper and deeper for everyday , of course I was still mess around with other women but there wasn't a commitment factor thrown in the mix yet . Then one week she did a game changer on me , it was one nite when we just finish having sex she told me about her plans for the rest of week .
“ I have an friend that I was in the navy with coming over for a week” ,she said .
“oh ,really is this a male friend ?” , I asked .
“ yes , he's my ex . I dated him when I was in my first year of service . He is older than me, but he's a really nice guy and I promise him that I would let him stay here and show him around . I just need you to stay away from the house till he leaves on next Sunday . Okay?”
“yeah it cool” , I said .
For a whole week I avoided contact with her. No calls, no visits , I was a ghost . I was doing a job staying away , even though I was getting mentally dope sick not seeing for this period of time. Yes it was that bad for me . Then it happen I bumped into her at another club in North Charleston on a Saturday nite , all I was thinking was “fuck! , I've tired all week to avoid this from happen I can't let her see me . Maybe I should leave . No , this club is big enough to hide in “. and before I can find a good hiding spot , see saw me . Those eyes was fixated on me , but she was with him and group of other people , so I played it cool and keep my distance . Then there was a moment when she step away and came over to me and started talking me .
“ hey , we just wanted to check out this club tonight ”, she said.
“yeah this is my anti-downtown club , I been coming here for quite a while now “ , I said
“okay , well he's leaving tomorrow morning , so how about you come over later on that night around 8?” ,she said .
“sure I'll see you tomorrow then “,i replied.
That Sunday night I came over , we talked for a while . Made our way to her bedroom and made up for week worth of sex in about 2 hours . One thing I grew comfortable doing with was pillow talk after sex, because up to this relationship I just had sex and after the deed was I got dress intermediately and try to find a smooth way to exit as smooth as my entry. It was at this time she made her power move and said out of no where
“just to let you know I never had sex him while he was here .”
“well just to let you know I don't if you did .”, I said
“oh? Why is that “ , said asked
“well I'm not really your man , I don't pay your bills , so really I have no say-so on what you should do with your body .” , I explained.
She gave me a smile and said those three little words to me.
“ I love you.....” and wrapped her arms around me and rested her head on my chest.
“ I've always you loved you....” I replied .
At this moment that was the game changer for me because I never told anyone “ I love you “ unless I really meant . Especially to a women unless I was really in love with . To understand this part of me you have understand my upbringing . My mother is a very affectionate women , for the most part she didn't give a lot for materials in life , but she did give me a lot of love . Even still to this day she has the power to say things to make me feel like I'm still 5 years old . To me those three little words are powerful to me , and when they come from someone who isn't related to me it very strong . This was the moment that change everything . In my eyes this was a shift from just being some guy that she was just hanging out with and fucking to a full blown boyfriend , so I believed . There was moments when she wanted to even wanted to go farther into the relationship , she asked me to moved in with her, but my fear of failure kept me from committing to that act . When I look at back at the smarter thing to do was accept the invite and let the cards fall where there may, but I was immature chicken shit and accept the ofter which was the first step in my downfall . The best failure was yet to come .
It was the month of August she had plans to make a trip down to Orlando for a big rave party that was happen down there , she asked me to go with her with I was accepted the offer . The plan was we'll go to the party , hang out with her friends , then on the way back stop at the camp site for the nite and camp outside .but there was another strange catch, since we was going to be around her friends she didn't want me to act like I was her boyfriend around them . Which I thought was complete bullshit but any , it seem like a great idea at the time . This trip was to take place in September . I wasn't living near her at the time , matter of fact I moved even move farther away to North Charleston, just because the rent was cheaper than West Ashley . I was rooming with my aunt which is my mother's youngest sister . I had my money saved up for the trip , that when she informed me that she needed $200 since her boyfriend at the time had to spend some of their money to repair the car that they had , I knew they needed that car to get back and forth to work . I gave them the money that I had saved up for my weekend , I had to help her out and cancel my plans to take the trip , short to say she didn't take the news well .
“so are you ready for the trip”, she said
“yeah , about that . There's been a problem . I had to give my aunt the mother to fix her car , since her and boyfriend didn't have any extra money to fix it ,and they need that car to get around .” , I said
I could almost feel the disappointment in her voice and she said , “ man I getting tired of you not having your shit together I' ll just see you when I get back.” then she hung up.
Most of that weekend I was a bit pissed that I gave that money away but in a way now that I look at it that trip would've destroyed us anyway, because later on I would find out that the friend we was going to stay with was an ex-boyfriend , so that was her whole point of making her “friend” in front of those people who knew here best . Matter of fact when she came back I begin to see less and less of her. Until one day she called me up and asked to come over and hang at her new townhouse , and I got a bit of a surprise when I saw her, her roommate , her roommate's boy and her friend from orlando who moved in with her . I mean it was apparent that they was dating because the town was a two bedroom .
I was never great at math but two rooms divided by two couples, it was easy to see what was going on .
I went into break up depressing on the worst level , only my closest friends knew what kind of hell I was in . It was on one fateful nite when I bumped into her at level 2 of all places (this club has to the focal point of everything in my life ) . she came over and asked me a quick question.
“yeah I was hanging with K.Hopp one day and asked him how you was doing and when was the last time he saw you?”
“yea you did?” , I asked .
“yea he told me to stop fucking with your head , and that I've done enough damage to you .” , she said
I shot back “ well he's right in away “
“ listen Damond you're the pure sweetest soul I know around here , I never meant to hurt you.” , she said to me .
“ well I feel like my heart has been cut out , you have no idea how much I loved you.” , I said
she shot me one of those smiles that always made my heart melt and said “ come home with me tonite”
I knew I would want this , but I had to asked her the ultimate question that could sum up where I was in her book .
“well if I come home with is this going to bring back together again?” , I asked
“well I'm not thinking that far ahead” she replied.
“well I am , not coming if it not all then it's nothing “ , I said
when I look back at maybe it was test or maybe not . I know that months later I would end up having sex with her one last time , and then she would have a new man in her life . Those few months I had with her echoed in my life forever . After this relationship I figured that it just doesn't pay to get emotional invested into a women , so seeking revenge on the female gender and becoming self destructive was my new goal . To bury myself in a dark world of sex , drugs and rock and roll . This was the only way I could numb the pain . I was aim to fuck , fight , drink, smoke and snort my pain away . Tyler Durden was right “ it only after we've lost everything that we're free to do anything”................